Monday, 21 September 2015
Inspired by recent events:
Let me tell you something: I've made some terrible decisions in my short time on the planet. I dated a man with a misspelled tattoo of his own name. I have huge body image issues and ruinously low self esteem as a result, and knowing all this, I pursued a career in modelling (and if you don't see the contradiction there, try spending your days in the company of people who have been officially ruled the most beautiful and see how you feel about your face). After that unsurprisingly failed, I pursued a career as an open top bus tour guide, despite the fact that 'tourists', 'talking to people I don't know' and 'being on the top of an open top bus' are are all things which are at the very top of my list of 'Things I Do Not Like'.
I could go on. I've harboured innumerate hopeless crushes on friends, coworkers, and men I met at bus stops, all of whom were handsome, cool, and stratospherically out of my league, and even if they hadn't been, they all had girlfriends with long hair and pretty smiles, who weren't clinically depressed. At least once I've decided it was a good idea to confess my feelings anyway, which has only lent further credence to my theory that I am not a person capable of stirring feelings of affection in members of the opposite sex.
I've grown so terrified of yet again being labelled 'the really quiet girl', which is basically code for 'the really weird girl', that I've embarked upon a policy of filling all silences with "I'm sorry I'm not talking more, is it weird that I'm not talking more, should I be talking more?", and am now well on my way to being labelled 'the girl who never shuts up'. I've made the mistake more than once of thinking, when my confidence is rock bottom, that drinking will somehow make me feel better, instead of making me hate myself even more.
And yet, in all my years of making mistakes, humiliating myself and fucking up my life to the extent that most of what happens to me on daily basis would no longer be believable even as the basis of a sitcom especially commissioned by Dave, I have never face fucked a fucking pig. So there's that.