Remember when the days when your life revolved around the MySpace Bulletin Board, and the MySpace Bulletin Board revolved around those "all about me" quizzes? The preening vanity, the endless narcissism... I miss it so. So I've resurrected it! I always found quizzes were ideal for when I needed to flex my creative writing muscles, but didn't have the energy for anything especially coherent, and after three solid days of writing about coat hangers for pin money (you think I'm joking, I'm not) that's pretty much where I'm at, so here's one of 2007's finest, re-worked for the present day...
What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
We met on the mean streets five years ago, all leopard print and glitter. She's a James girl, but I forgive her.
What is wrong with you right now?
I don't have a pet pug called Captain Pugwash Puggington Pugglesworth the Fourth.
Do you ever miss your first love?
No, but I'm curious. He has no web presence whatsoever, which you have to admit is unusual in our unusual times, so I've cultivated a theory that he's either dead or a spy. It can literally only be either one or the other.
When did you last cry?
I don't know. Last year, five minutes ago? It's hard to keep up.
Who do you hate?
That is a whole separate list entirely. You know all those fucking hippy types who say "Oh I don't really 'hate' anyone, life's too short!" and blah, blah, blah? I'm not one of them. DEATH TO ALL MY ENEMIES.
What do you want in your life right now?
A pet pug called Captain Pugwash Puggington Pugglesworth the Fourth. And more money. So much more money. That's not avarice, by the way, I just genuinely don't know how anyone lives full time on minimum wage. It's only for three months for me (although I'll be unemployed after, so not technically better off...), but I work 42 hours a week and I haven't been this poor since I was a student. Thank Morrissey I enjoy what I do enough to make it worthwhile.
We met on the mean streets five years ago, all leopard print and glitter. She's a James girl, but I forgive her.
What is wrong with you right now?
I don't have a pet pug called Captain Pugwash Puggington Pugglesworth the Fourth.
Do you ever miss your first love?
No, but I'm curious. He has no web presence whatsoever, which you have to admit is unusual in our unusual times, so I've cultivated a theory that he's either dead or a spy. It can literally only be either one or the other.
When did you last cry?
I don't know. Last year, five minutes ago? It's hard to keep up.
Who do you hate?
That is a whole separate list entirely. You know all those fucking hippy types who say "Oh I don't really 'hate' anyone, life's too short!" and blah, blah, blah? I'm not one of them. DEATH TO ALL MY ENEMIES.
What do you want in your life right now?
A pet pug called Captain Pugwash Puggington Pugglesworth the Fourth. And more money. So much more money. That's not avarice, by the way, I just genuinely don't know how anyone lives full time on minimum wage. It's only for three months for me (although I'll be unemployed after, so not technically better off...), but I work 42 hours a week and I haven't been this poor since I was a student. Thank Morrissey I enjoy what I do enough to make it worthwhile.
What are you listening to?
I have the TV on, but To Repel Ghosts is stuck in my head, which is unfortunate, given it's one of the entirely worst Manics songs ever.
What do you smell like?
Despair. And After Eights.
Drinking?
Tea. One sugar. The colour of a tan leather boot that's been out in a light drizzle. Perfect.
What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
A duvet?
Who was the last person in your bed besides you?
No one since the possible spy. The dubious joys of returning to your childhood home.
What do you wear to bed?
A playsuit made for sleeping. It's tres cute.
What are you doing/did today?
See aforementioned writing about coat hangers. Although also car rental in Finland and some stuff for a flight comparison website. And I found the time to submit another article to Buzzfeed to be summarily rejected by the Community editors. I used to be their darling. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, BUZZFEED?
What was the last movie you went to?
Under The Skin. I think I like it better in retrospect than I did at the time. I have to watch it again sometime, because I'm curious about my supposed double that people have told me is in it (Not Scarlett Johansson, by the way. Nobody thinks Scarlett Johansson bears an uncanny likeness to me, to my everlasting regret).
Is the shirt your wearing new?
No, it's actually about three years old. And it's a backless body, not a shirt. The high waisted-skinny jeans are new though, thanks for noticing, douche.
Do you live near your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
Depends which one you're talking about. One fled to Australia almost immediately after the collapse of our brief union. Another is in Essex, somewhere, owing, I imagine, to a great lack of ambition in life.
Are you scared of bugs?
Only if they sneak up on me.
Are you a cuddler?
Depends on the time, the place and the person. I'm vehemently opposed to anybody touching me while I'm trying to sleep. Spooning is a highly objectionable activity.
How was your day today?
An exercise in middle class mediocrity.
What do you think of Eminem?
I think the inclusion of his name reveals the era from which this question hails. Also he's not very nice to the mother of his child. Very ungentlemanly.
Do you read?
Constantly. Don't you?
Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
No. I told you, I don't spoon.
Whose house have you been to today?
Alas, only mine.
What about the night before?
Still yet mine. Ask me about the night before that though! We checked out Nicola's swanky temporary pad in the posh part of East London.
Do you like anyone right now?
I like many people. My heart isn't so hard that it's only hate. I have at least seven friends.
Are you bored?
Ask yourself why I'm doing this, and you're reading it. Face it, neither of us has a fulfilling life right now.
What is the last movie you watched?
Hop. I found Russell Brand unconvincing as an animated bunny.
Do you say "dawg"?
I'm not an American in 1970, so no.
What are you excited about?
Seeing my favourite former flatmate tomorrow. Yay!
Who was last person to cook for you?
My dad. No one makes a meaner Sunday roast.
Name someone whose name starts with the letter "B".
Beck.
Do you care what others think about you?
I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. Or feared. I'd take feared as well.
Do you trust people easily?
Too easily. More than people deserve.
Who was the last person you called?
Talia.
What were you doing at 9pm last Friday night?
Adjusting to an unusual barrier position at Brixton Academy.
What happened at 10:00 am today?
I opened the paper. Guardian, natch.
Still yet mine. Ask me about the night before that though! We checked out Nicola's swanky temporary pad in the posh part of East London.
Do you like anyone right now?
I like many people. My heart isn't so hard that it's only hate. I have at least seven friends.
Are you bored?
Ask yourself why I'm doing this, and you're reading it. Face it, neither of us has a fulfilling life right now.
What is the last movie you watched?
Hop. I found Russell Brand unconvincing as an animated bunny.
Do you say "dawg"?
I'm not an American in 1970, so no.
What are you excited about?
Seeing my favourite former flatmate tomorrow. Yay!
Who was last person to cook for you?
My dad. No one makes a meaner Sunday roast.
Name someone whose name starts with the letter "B".
Beck.
Do you care what others think about you?
I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. Or feared. I'd take feared as well.
Do you trust people easily?
Too easily. More than people deserve.
Who was the last person you called?
Talia.
What were you doing at 9pm last Friday night?
Adjusting to an unusual barrier position at Brixton Academy.
What happened at 10:00 am today?
I opened the paper. Guardian, natch.
